Purse Intelligence

As a boy-child growing up among man-children, I took pride in being disdainful of feminine things: Curly hair, dainty clothing, jewelry, excessive face painting.

As a man-child I now appreciate a few feminine things as having some influence on my manliness.  However, I have been long mystified by the purse, that bag every woman carries.  I have seen the purse since birth.  A woman without that accessory only heightens my suspicion.

By the way, we are not talking about pursing your lips.  That’s another story.  No, this is all about the bag, the big bag, the big, sometimes extremely expensive bag.  The bag that comes in thousands of different shapes, sizes, and quality of manufacture.

The few times I have entered the anarchy that is a woman’s purse (always with her permission) have been fraught with anxiety.  I get lost in the tumble of devices, containers, papers, and what-not.  The range of what is in a purse never ceases to amaze me either: medicine and makeup to slips of paper from years ago.

There are the purses themselves.  They can be bought for a few dollars, and last a few days, to those that cost thousands yet last a lifetime.  Macho brain wonders, why?

The answer to my macho organization problems was to buy a beautiful black portfolio case.  Over a dozen zippered pockets, totally black on black, looks great.  Holds everything I could want, from pocket knife and phone and pens and notepads and computer and cords and on and on.

Then I started really using it.  Guess what?  I couldn’t find stuff quickly at all.  Putting a black phone into a black bag with black pockets means it becomes invisible.  Try finding an invisible phone when you’re in a hurry.

My solution?  I started carrying a flashlight.  Yup.  Can’t find something, find your flashlight first and then start looking.  Aaaargh.

Not too long ago, I actually lost something sentimental for a few weeks, and finally found it.  My moment of jubilation was quickly overwhelmed by this realization.

OMG.  If this was simply one big pocket it would be so much easier.  I instantly realized what I was thinking.  If this was a purse, it would be easy.  OH NO!

Here’s my macho confession.

Women’s purses are smart.  Making it one big bag means that you know where everything is, even if you have to dig for it every time.  There aren’t a dozen little pockets where you can hide things.

One big bag means that it’s easier to make.  One big bag means that you can be creative with the outside so it matches your outfit, your mood, and your personality.  And most importantly, one big bag means that it’s easier to find things.  Everything.

Women already knew this.  They knew this all along.  They’ve probably known this since the invention of the first purse, some thousands and thousands of years ago.

And I finally figured it out.

Now, that’s intelligence.

 

French Purse

What of it?  So what?  Really?  No way!  I don’t believe it!  OMG.

Imagine if there were some way to roll all of this sentiment into one handy little gesture.  Not only this sentiment, but the mild form of this sentiment.  Like, if your best friend came to you and said “Look I just bought this fancy designer-brand purse from the store for an ungodly amount of money!”

You are slightly jealous (only slightly!) and disgusted (what terrible taste your friend is showing) and affronted (why didn’t she ask me BEFORE making such a silly decision) and perhaps even a bit antagonized (why didn’t she ask me to go shopping!).

If you are American you would say something like “No way!”  And your tone of voice would indicate that it was a very mild form of rebuff.

But if you are French! and you want to say all of this in one simple gesture while still maintaining your (constantly on) French coolness, then you will do this.

Step one.  Purse your lips.  That’s it, put them together like you’re going to whistle.  Gently.  Like you don’t care.  Because you don’t.  You’re French!

Step two.  Fill your cheeks with air.  Not too much.  You’re not a fish!

Step three.  Push the air out with your cheeks.  Your lips will hold in the pressure for an instant, then quickly open in an “ah” shape.  The sound you make is a gentle “puh” as in “puff.”

There.  You’ve done it.  The French purse.  Next time you’re with a Frenchie, check it out, especially in Paris.  I don’t know if they do it more there, or if they simply don’t care there more than elsewhere.  But there’s a good chance that if you’re having more than a few minute’s of conversation, you’re going to get at least one purse.  Maybe two.

And if you want to be French, try it yourself.  It comes in kind of handy.

And that’s a purse that’s a true fashion statement.