These Things GUARANTEE Long Lasting Mind-Blowing Sex

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A previous post noted how the #MeToo movement should discuss what goes into the making of sexual assault, prompted by an online article.

Two people going on a date, and the date ends badly.  Badly enough that it ends up in the papers.  So sad.

It happens a lot.  It also happens that most young people don’t have any of the same rules in place that existed a hundred years ago.

I’m not saying that’s bad or good.  Lots of things are changing today, and fast.  But lets look at three things that could have guaranteed that the two people in the article would have either 1) ended their date much earlier on a happier note, or 2) found each other far more appealing leading to great physical activities and even more dates.

Here’s the three things.

Compassion:  This is all about being part of the other person’s pain, sympathizing, empathizing, and sharing.  Lessening pain is a great deal of what being in a relationship is all about.  The greatest of pains is being alone.  Our species is designed to be in a group, and the best group is two people.  It’s also the best way to get to know the inside of someone’s head.

Sensitivity:  This goes beyond compassion in that it keeps you from talking about yourself instead of them.  It means you try and dig deeper so that you can truly understand the deepest parts of your future lover’s heart.

Respect:  This is the other end of sensitive, because it works like your emotional seat-belt.  We have urges to help, especially those we wish to fall in love with.  Men generally try to fix problems with advice; “You should tell your mother this!”  Women tend to try and dig deeper, encouraging as much talk as possible; “What were your ex girlfriend’s feelings?”  Leave them alone.

These three things are the key to begin learning about someone.

Each of these requires you to listen, to learn, to have empathy, and lots of patience.

And for goodness sake, restraint.  Do you want a long term relationship or just a warm body for the night?  Don’t go taking your clothes off until you can be absolutely sure that the other person has the same purpose as yours.

Good luck!

 

Comedian and Coquette 2

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A previous post noted how the #MeToo movement should discuss what goes into the making of sexual assault, prompted by the following excerpt.

Ansari stands accused by one woman of ignoring “clear nonverbal cues” during a September date, pressuring her, once she was undressed in his apartment, to engage in sexual conduct with him, then breaking it off when she said “no.” Many have argued that the behavior described was not assault, nor even it newsworthy.

We know absolutely for sure that these two people went on a date, and that the date didn’t go well.  Our challenge in the last post was to figure out what each one of them wanted before and during their date.

That was a trick question.

All we need to do is confirm that they have a purpose that is different from each other.  That’s it.  And it’s easy.

He wanted her to take her clothes off.  He wanted to do something physical.

She didn’t want to take her clothes off, even though she did.  She didn’t want to do anything physical, and it seems that she didn’t.

In a sense, our problem, and theirs, becomes simple.  All we need is a system that prevents two parties from behaving in some way that offends the other, without determining their underlying purpose ahead of time.

In business and law, that’s called negotiation.

When it comes to love, in any form, it’s trickier, because we want to deal with raw emotion.  Bringing any kind of rationality to the process is a real unromantic move.

What do we do?

As a group, as a society, we can teach and reinforce a better way for people to interact.  We don’t have to let the invisible hand of Adam Smith tell us how to make love.  We need the guidance of our great-great grand parents who were far more cautious in their day.

In fact, there are three things to look for in a date that can guarantee an excellent sexual relationship.  They also go a long way to ensuring a long lasting relationship as well, but this is going to focus on getting physical.

After all, it seems that’s where the problem always starts.

See you next time.

 

Pride and Prejudice: Entail and Entitlement

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Jane Austen took on some major themes in her work.  One of those was biology, and I’ll get around to that one of these days.

Another was “the entail.”  It’s a subject that drives Mrs. Bennet crazy because it means she’ll be destitute when Mr. Bennet dies.  Of course, she has to live longer than Mr. Bennet, as he reminds her so well.  Of course course, he may want to die first!

The first few times I read the book, I glossed over the entail as archaic and unimportant.  I have a feeling most people treat it this way.

Then I learned what it was, an English law that passed property to male relatives, and understand it better in terms of motivating Mrs. Bennet, and Jane Austen.  Female suffrage and our society’s slow realization that women are people have made such laws obsolete.

However, now that I’m over-analyzing Jane and P&P, I see something else.  This is not an archaic law that Jane describes, it is a fundamental flaw in human character.  And my first clue to this came from etymology.

Whether you use an online site, or the OED, or your old-fashioned dictionary, learning the story that sits behind a word is fun.  Much fun than 99% of today’s video.

Look up entail, and you get a legal transfer of property going back to the 1300s.  Look up entitlement, and you get something similar, dating back to the 1400s.  Mrs. Bennet was complaining about people who get something of value without working for it.  She and her daughters (and staff) work the property, taking care of it, improving it.  Mr. Collins does nothing, and yet he’s destined to inherit Longbourn.

Here’s the fun part.  Mrs. Bennet is complaining about the entail.  The entail represents entitlement.  Today, entitlement is called welfare in many forms: for the poor, for the elderly, and for the military-industrial complex.  Getting lots of money for little or no work.  What a tough life!

Who complains about this kind of government sanctioned transfer of value without requiring work?  Today it’s “conservatives.”  In entertainment, go back 50 years to a television character called Archie Bunker.

Mrs. Bennet is the original Archie Bunker.  Mr. Collins is the original “meathead.”  And the social commentary she (Mrs. Bennet and Jane Austen) makes is the same that today’s staunch conservatives like to shout about.

Jane Austen, still relevant after all these years.  What a gal.

 

 

Comedian and Coquette

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This excerpt is from an article suggesting that the #MeToo movement should begin discussing what goes into the making of sexual assault.

Ansari stands accused by one woman of ignoring “clear nonverbal cues” during a September date, pressuring her, once she was undressed in his apartment, to engage in sexual conduct with him, then breaking it off when she said “no.” Many have argued that the behavior described was not assault, nor even it newsworthy.

That’s an excellent idea, and one that is perfect for yours truly.

If you’re willing, let’s consider the basic elements given by the  above excerpt.

  1. Comedian (male) asks woman on a date.
  2. Woman accompanies him to his apartment.
  3. Woman takes her clothes off.
  4. Comedian wants sex (of any sort).
  5. Woman says no.

Where’s the problem?

The problem occurs between numbers 1 and 2.  Each person was attracted enough to each other enough so that they wanted to spend time together.

At the end of that date, she went to his apartment.  We will assume that this was a mutual decision made by both adults, since we have no evidence to the contrary.

Here’s our job as students of behavior: What was the purpose of each individual before, and during, this date?

From the perspective of an evolutionary biologist, we can take the long view and argue that each is looking for a long-term partner.  Therefore each will evaluate the worth of the other, and invest (or risk) an amount appropriate to the value they see in the other.

From the perspective of today’s millennials, we can take the short view and argue that (right NOW) each one is lonely, one or both has a high need for physical body contact, and since they have known each other for over an hour each feels comfortable enough getting naked.  Well, at least one of them did.

The answers are somewhere between these two extremes.  If either one was looking for a life-long partner, then they made poor choices.  If the comedian was looking for a quick hookup, then he also made poor choices.  In either case, what we have is a situation where both people should be pitied, not vilified.

Is there anything we can do that would help prevent this in the future?  It turns out that we already have some time-tested techniques that would allow both of these actors the chance to make much better choices, so that each would be happier in the long run.

I’ll try doing that next time.  For now, keep your clothes on.  It’s always safer that way.

 

Pride and Prejudice: Romanticism

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Full disclosure my friends, I’ve got a crush on AustenJane Austen.

Yes, it’s a bit awkward, my being married, her being dead.  But my wife introduced us while I was innocently watching a movie derived from P&P.  So it’s her fault.

I’m stalking Jane by studying P&P like a crazy man.  I’ve read it a bunch of times, and I’m reading it slowly now because (more confessions) I’m writing a novel using P&P as a template.  There’s some role reversals going on, and I never liked how Jane treated Mrs. Bennet, so that’s being tweaked.  I’m making it a bit more modern, like 1980, and I’m having fun.  As a result I’m putting each sentence under a microscope.  I feel like I’m getting a glimpse into Jane’s Brains every now and then.

The point of today’s post is about the romantic movement.  The whole idea was not getting all literal and detailed, but focusing on emotions and relationships.  It’s a great idea, and painters had a lot of fun working in that genre.  It’s harder for a writer, because there is a lot of pressure to attend to silly details that don’t matter.

Examples?  What about hair color, especially for women?  What about dress length, or what someone had for dinner?  What about shoe size, or whether they have a pimple on their nose?

Jane knew all these things were unimportant details.  She left them out.  The only fashion statements she touches has to do with lace (apparently young ladies couldn’t have enough) and puffy sleeves being in fashion.  Sure, there’s Mrs. Gardiner’s dress choices as she’s fretting about visiting Pemberley, but who could blame her?

It’s quite a challenge to write in this romantic genre by today’s standards, but I’m going to try.  The fact that Jane did it so elegantly, with just the right amount of detail is only one of the things that makes her so alluring, even today.

The fact that she did this as a young woman in a society that was far from being forward thinking easily puts her into Pantheon.

That’s enough confession for now.  Let me know how you feel about Jane, and if there was anything I missed.

Now, time to re-read Chapter 27 (Volume 1, Chapter 4).  Hello Jane!

 

 

Beyond Alpha, Omega Man

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Going beyond Genes means looking into Heaven and Seeing ourselves.

In my last post I suggested that many people are afraid of the future, and have flocked to alpha males as leaders.

The reasons they do this are genetically based.  A million years of hanging out with alpha males can’t be wrong, right?

It can be wrong.  It is wrong.  Our current civilization has grown and thrived precisely because we have rejected the alpha male concept.

With alpha males there is no true love between young men and women.  Only the alpha male can be loved.  There is no democracy.  There is no social choice.

Alpha males bring rape.  They bring pillage.  They bring plunder.  If you like these things, then you are prone to like the alpha male.

 

What we must do is reject the alpha male concept.  Men must become greater than alpha.  We must extend all the way into omega.

Men who have alpha characteristics have the greatest challenge of all.  They must have the self control to contain those impulses.  They must focus their great energy into areas that will benefit society, not themselves.

We have the knowledge to understand why alpha males exist.  We have the technology to understand where these impulses come from.  And we have the understanding to control those primitive impulses, channeling them for the good of everyone, not just a select few.

So, to all males out there, seek to become omega.  If you are an alpha, learn to channel your “alphaness” into “omeganess.”  All of us will be glad you did.

 

Code Alpha

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Would you vote for this man?

There is great uncertainty in our world.  You feel it in your bones.  Lots of people on the planet.  Too much information about your friends, and way too much about people labeled friend.  News media that keep screaming about one thing or another.  Poison in our air, water, food, even in our medicine.  What do we do?

We are afraid.  When we are afraid as children, we run to the safety of strong arms, our mother and father.  When things are really bad, we want the strength of a man, an alpha man.

Part of us is always looking for him.  The heroes of comic books and the big screen are always men that are strong and powerful.  Young women know this all too well, they flock to the few young men that exude power and strength.

Even other men know this.  Strong men tend to have lots of man friends, but man friends who are secondary, willing to live within the alpha shadow.

Why do we flock to the alpha male?  Probably from millions of years of evolution.  Our ape and chimp cousins do the same thing.  The alpha keeps the group together.  The alpha battles for supremacy, and then he has the most children.

No problems with politics.  Once a younger buck comes along who can knock the alpha down, then there’s a new alpha in town. He gets the tribe, he gets the chicks.  No one cares where the old alpha goes, he’s toast.

Under the alpha male system, you have to live with certain things.  I wrote about that earlier, so we won’t worry about it here.

The reason we don’t use an alpha male system today in most of the world is because of one of the most powerful behavioral forces of all time, love.  I wrote about that as well, so it doesn’t need to go here.

Today we see the rise of many alpha males as leaders: Trump, Putin, and Erdogan.  One of the things that surprised me about the rise of Trump was how many women preferred him over a woman.  Talking to them reminded me of the alpha male complex.

All these women respect strong men, in fact they prefer them.  A strong man gives them a sense of security in the future.  It doesn’t matter if that strong man doesn’t care about them, lies or cheats or steals.  All that matters is that he is strong.

No doubt you also know women like this.  Even though they leave a bad relationship involving a strong man, they end up back in another alpha male’s arms.

We’re seeing the same thing today.  Only these alpha males really are at the top of the pyramid.  And we can partially blame our genes.

Let’s hope that this time around, the alpha games don’t end as badly as history suggests they will.

PETH

There’s a group of extremists who practice guerrilla warfare against those they feel treat animals unethically.

They throw blood on those who wear fur.  They terrorize researchers who run experiments on mice.  I’m sure there’s many other things that they do, but that’s not my point.

My point is that we have to get these guys to expand their horizons.  People are animals, too.  Hasn’t anyone taught them that?  People, according to most people, are even more than animals.  We have souls.  And bank accounts.

If the people who are against the unethical treatment of animals are truly on the side of animals, then why don’t they include people in the mix?

Here’s their dilemma.  If they DON’T include people under their protective umbrella, they are then admitting that PEOPLE are special.  People are different than animals, perhaps even better.  That explains why animals need a special militant arm of defenders.

If they DO include people under their ethical treatment umbrella, then they have a whole ‘nother dilemma.  THAT dilemma would mean they have to start DEFENDING people against unethical treatment.  This would include harassing people based on their own research.  It would include children who are being slowly tortured by people who should never be allowed near them.  It would mean that they could even target politicians who put personal gain ahead of their constituents.

Will this happen?  Will there ever be an organization that is dedicated to the ethical treatment of people as well as animals?  It’s a nice thought, but I doubt it will happen.

There’s a good chance that the members of such groups are in them only because it gives them a mission that seems righteous.  Talking to one of them and challenging their belief system amounts to challenging someone about their religion.

And I’ve already learned, no one likes to be challenged.

Maybe that would be unethical.

 

Pain is a Pain, can be a Gain

Being a pain in the butt is hardly a compliment.  But it may be a back-handed compliment in that it’s the unwelcome relative to what is best about our lives, living.

Our Western cultures have been oriented towards denying, reducing, even eliminating pain.  Eastern cultures tend to embrace pain, much as we sometimes have to embrace that relative we have to see over the holidays.

Nothing embodies emotional pain more than family, especially dysfunctional families.

Problem here is that we are going to talk about pain that’s not emotional.  No, this is pain that hits us below the belt.  Above the belt.  Right at the belt.  Remove your belt, just in case.

In broadest possible terms, pain can be good or bad.  In either case, pain is a way that your body “talks” to your “self.”  Do you think that dogs can feel pain?  If you do, then you have to also agree that dogs have a sense of self.  I believe dogs know themselves.  I only wish they had the sense to upgrade their owners on occasion.

Good pain tells you if you’re doing too much, pushing too hard, eating too much pasta.  That last only pertains to industrial pasta.  Homemade pasta is never painful.

Good pains include itching, in moderation.  I’m not sure what itching means.  My latest theory is that it’s the little bugs living on your skin asking to move somewhere else.  Every time you scratch those buggers get a ride to another piece of real estate.

Pain also comes in different forms, that apply to both good and bad pain.  Here’s some of the ways I suggest we describe them: acute, chronic, diffuse, specific, permanent, sporadic, rhythmic, shared by others, something only I feel, and finally, those that can be found versus impossible to find.

I know this is a lot, but pain covers a lot of area (ha!).  As a yogi, we have to embrace pain as part of living, appreciate it, and understand the good versus bad pains.  If our movements produce bad pain, stop!  Perhaps see a doctor.  If our movements produce good pain, also stop.  Rest.  Repeat.

As the US Marines are fond of saying, pain is weakness leaving the body.  Who knew that Marines were yogis?  They are.  Don’t mess with the Marines.

So, embrace your pain.  Understand it, and listen to your body.  It makes you a better yogi.  It makes you a better student of behavior.  And it makes you a better person.

Tusok

By the way, sorry about all the bad puns.  They sort of happened.  Hope they weren’t too painful.

 

Stage Door

This isn’t the first time I review a movie.  But why should a movie be on a site concerned with studying behavior?

Movies are an art form.  The best art illuminates our humanity.  And the foundation of our humanity is how we behave.  Hence, the best movies are about our behavior.

Take this 1937 film called Stage Door.  It’s absolutely brilliant.  And in today’s #MeToo climate, it gains relevance.

The antagonist is a slimy producer who likes to “interview” many an upcoming starlet.  His name might as well be Harvey.  The young actresses are starving, yet they know what they may have to do in order to eat.  The allusions to their sacrifices are humorous.  But in the light of today’s revelations, they take on sinister connotations.

There’s a moment where last year’s star sacrifices herself for Katherine Hepburn.  Like Christ, Kay takes care of Katherine’s feet, gives her something to drink, and then ascends the stairs into heaven.

The film is also about the needs of the theater.  It’s about the desire of actors to be discovered.  It’s even about the trials unique to young women in a cruel industry.

More fundamentally, this movie is about the suffering an artist must endure to become a great actor.

Studying behavior does not have to be boring all the time.  There are times when studying behavior can be fun, and watching this movie is one of those times.  Please find Stage Door, watch it, and think it through.  I’d like to hear your comments.

 


PS: This is one of my favorite movies of all time, easily in the top 10.  It’s fast paced, extremely natural in feel, well directed, chock-full of raw talent and youthful exuberance.