Hate, the book: 059

Hello Curious Friend.  Welcome to my book about Hate.  The number tells you where you are in the sequence.  I look forward to your comments.

Part Two
Chapter Eleven
Hate Is Not  (Continued)

Stopping it sounds good. But like real stop signs, most people just roll through it.

But just because someone becomes unhappy doesn’t mean you wanted them to be unhappy.  It’s very unlikely anyone gets married thinking that they want to make their partner miserable.

Therefore, even in the ugliest of marriages, hate did not initially exist, only love.

Now, in the case of a nasty divorce, it’s very possible that one or both parties become hateful.  That is, they do their best to ensure the other party is hurt, and they go out of their way to inflict unhappiness.

In this case hate has emerged.  But just because it appears doesn’t mean it can be confused with love.  Our attitudes can change, our desires for that other person can change, and this is what brings so much hate into the world.

A recent example of how our society continues to confuse love and hate can be seen in a popular book called “Shades of Gray.”  It’s a romance novel about a sadistic relationship between a dominating man and a submissive woman who becomes his sex slave.  The story has great appeal among women.  We won’t deal with why women are so intrigued by it here.  What we will discuss is how confused most readers seem to be about the protagonist’s actions.

Many readers see his actions as a form of love ritual.  After all, he devotes much of his valuable time and energy to the welfare of his sex slave.  He lavishes her with expensive gifts.  And they do enjoy some romantic times together.

The woman enjoys these gifts, these attentions, and their romance.  She particularly enjoys having her body manipulated and stimulated, as it provides her with sexual satisfaction.

On the surface, our dominator and his slave appear to be having a loving relationship. They spend quality time together, they seem devoted to each other, and they enjoy physical intimacy and sexual ecstasy.

He takes care of her.  He makes her feel good.  He makes her feel, “safe.”

She loves him.  And she thinks he loves her.

But this isn’t the case.  In fact he hates her.

That he hates her is demonstrated by his actions.  He likes humiliating her.  He purposely causes her physical pain.  He clearly enjoys inflicting psychological damage on her.  And it’s obvious he has no concern about her welfare.

He’s simply using her to gratify his desires.  All he wants from her is physical satisfaction, and the feeling of power he gets from dominating her.

Worse, her acceptance of his actions reinforces her into believing that the way he treats her is normal.  This belief adds to his control over her and the pleasure he derives from that control.

That she enjoys this twisted relationship and believes she loves him is of no consequence.

Bottom line is the sex slave loves her dominator.  The dominator hates his slave.  It’s that simple.  There is no confusion here.  One only has to look beneath the surface of the situation to see the facts.

Fundamentally, to hate someone means you want that person to be worse off, unhappy, and to that end you may well go out of your way to make that happen.

That was clearly the case with the protagonist in “Shades of Gray.”

So hate isn’t something to be confused with love.  It doesn’t reside in our chemistry or biology.  And with all due respect to Darwin, hate is not an extension of fear.

Now that we’ve covered the three things hate is not, let’s start tackling the question of what goes into hate.  The best way to start understanding anything is to start at the very beginning.

To be continued …

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